Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
