I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
