my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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