The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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