You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
