...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
