So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
