A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Is Oprah even human
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
