The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
