i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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