Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
