her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
