i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
