I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
