Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
