This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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