so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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