How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
