franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
