So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
