I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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