I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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