the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
