how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
