I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
