I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
