Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
