when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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