You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
