Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
