Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
