My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
