He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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