his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just invented taco cereal.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
