The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
