ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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