I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
