life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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