My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
