Are we in a gay sports bar?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
