With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
