he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
