My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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