My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
