They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
