She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize