I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize