i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
