I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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