The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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