At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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