I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
