i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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