he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
