My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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