It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
