Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize