Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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