went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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